Relationship Guide: The Dark Chocolate Man

The 'Dark Chocolate Man', a true Jamaican man, is notoriously known as aggressive, confident and yes, very proud. Some even say that he is too ‘arrogant’. I think he is misunderstood, taken for granted and wrongly assessed as being 'worthless' by many people. Some of the labels placed on him may just be deserving, however, let us accept that history has not been kind or fair to him.

Ask yourself the following questions: Does he have a business or a job? Is he financially independent? Does he have status and class? If the answers are all yes, that Dark Chocolate Man is uniquely special in the Jamaican context. I am convinced that his actions and attitudes are shaped by history, culture and his social upbringing. In seeking to address his actions and attitudes, you should not further marginalize him, considering that his status in his family is quickly being eroded. The scripture below recognizes the status of the Dark Chocolate Man:

But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God. (1 Cor. 11:3)

This scripture has caused significant discomfort to many women, especially in these very challenging times. I am sure that in your private chats, the statement “the head of the woman is the Dark Chocolate Man” will be trending immediately!

I have been a sounding board for many having issues with the Dark Chocolate Man. Sharon, my real estate agent, expressed that her independence was impaired by her boyfriend's desire to travel across the island to watch her work. Shelleone, my daughter, called me the other day to highlight that “there is a shortage of good men around; men my age are immature and don’t know how to take care of a woman”. Marle, my new friend who recently returned to Jamaica, complained that she is very lonely. She said “men are only interested in sex, they have no desire to communicate and invest in a good friendship”.

I told Sharon that most Dark Chocolate Men were taught to be protective of our women at an early age. The knowledge of her travelling alone to very dangerous places must have been very disconcerting to her boyfriend. His offer to help her over a high wall and walk behind her up a steep hill to prevent her from falling, is his way of loving her. She should not always conclude that he only wanted to impair her independence.

I agreed with Shelleone that there may be less eligible men around. I implored her to reassess her definition of what makes a good man. I told her it is not practical to use her present living standards and comfort to judge what a man her age can provide. I told her that if a man her age cannot take her to lavish places and buy her expensive gifts, this should not be a disqualifier. I asked her to select an ambitious, driven man to build her life with, even if he displays a little immaturity.

I told Marle that many Jamaican women were already lonely before she decided to come back to Jamaica. I agreed with her that Dark Chocolate Men are very motivated by sex and this will not change any time soon. I reminded her that women have the sole right to decide with whom they share their bodies. I urged her to create friendships with men that she shares similar aspirations and are socially compatible with.

We are all living in a changing world with a new order. Kamala Harris is the Vice President-elect of the United States of America. She will be the most powerful woman in the world. She is black, exceptionally intelligent and accomplished. As the father of four black girls, I am overcome with joy and hope for the future opportunities that are created for them and other little girls. THE GLASS CEILING WAS ‘SHOT UP’ BY A WOMAN WHOSE FATHER IS A DARK CHOCOLATE MAN.

The history of the Dark Chocolate Man provides the clear underpinning for partly who he is today. Minister Farrakhan addressed the legacy of slavery when he said “black people who were brought to this country were stripped of their names, language, culture, religion, God and taken totally away from the history of themselves”. In short, the Dark Chocolate Man was traumatized mentally and physically. They were dehumanized and forced to become warriors in protection of their freedom. Today, he has issues with conflict resolution, commitment, emotional intelligence and self-esteem. Many Dark Chocolate Men are uneducated, unemployed and imprisoned. They are the main abusers of hard drugs and the drivers of crime and violence in our society.

The new world order has further emasculated the Dark Chocolate Man; this challenge remains for him to overcome. With this context provided ladies, the following are my suggestions to improve your relationships with the Dark Chocolate Man:

1. Appreciate and truly embrace your elevation to your new-found power persona. You will likely be more educated, employable and financially stable than he is. You will be the center of power in your relationship and family; this requires you to be strong while being a participative partner. The Dark Chocolate Man is powered by his ego. You should find a sensitive and respectful way of caring for him in this new order.

2. You should accept that there is a limited pool of eligible Dark Chocolate Men available and accessible to you. In the olden days, a Dark Chocolate Man would select a woman as his wife and expose her to the finer things in life, including investing in her education. You may have to do similarly; you may have to select an ambitious man and see to it that he becomes the best man he can be.

3. Failure to align your relationship strategy to my suggestion above, may result in you competing for an unavailable Dark Chocolate Man. If you select to do otherwise, you will be sharing a scarce, “off the market” Dark Chocolate Man. Many women’s quality of life and standard of living are made better by sharing an off the market Dark Chocolate Man. This type of living may be ‘bitter and sweet’; it is not for all.

4. Even though it takes two to tango, a woman holds the key for every child that is born into this world. The lack of two-parent families is one major reason for our boys not becoming good Dark Chocolate Men. You should not be a sex object and participant in delivering a child who will not have a Dad. Any man who cannot support and defend the future of his kids should not be given the opportunity to be called a father by any woman. Importantly, a lover is different from a father and a father is different from a husband.

5. Women should consider Steve Harvey's 90-day rule. You should invest some time in communication and knowledge creation with your potential partner. You must be clear what you require from an entanglement with a Dark Chocolate Man. Remember, he is always available to give you sex; that is in his DNA. If you are looking for a long-term relationship, it is vital that you take the time to know who he is. When you ‘know what you know’, just be honest with yourself; hoping is another form of denial.

6. Not everyone was meant to have a long-term partner. It is often said that “every hoe have dem stick a bush”. Contrary to that saying, I would say “a nuh true, just don’t force it”. Furthermore, learn from your experiences. Making the same mistakes over and over suggests lack of learning and development. Remember, you don’t need somebody to be somebody. Many substantive relationships are shared as platonic friendships, which provides greater trust and respect than some intimate relationships.

7. Your desire for commitment is sometime more about you than him. Most ladies are driven by the desire to build a long-lasting relationship that culminates in marriage. Not every Dark Chocolate Man you see will make a husband. Most men who really have long term interest in you, will do more than text and face time you. He will be ready to meet your family and introduce you to his family. Always be mindful of who has had the most impact in his life; he cherishes this person’s opinion most. Give him time to make the big decisions about making you a girlfriend and wife.

8. Men provide care in many different ways. Many women's' ‘care package’ include financial, emotional, spiritual and physiological support. Most Dark Chocolate Men care package is simple: it include sex, food and respect. You should learn to give as much as you receive. The Dark Chocolate Man normally needs less than he is willing to give, but it is very important that you take time to satisfy his care package, while you demand yours.

9. The Dark Chocolate Man is a natural hunter. With significant scarcity of eligible men, he is now being hunted. My prey theory is simple: the Dark Chocolate Man is swimming in deep waters with many sharks around him, but he is glad to be vulnerable. In this very competitive relationship landscape, your unique characteristics will differentiate you. Rely less on your physical attributes and accentuate your inner humanistic characteristics.

10. Accept that the Dark Chocolate Man is the head of the family. At school, you have no issue deferring to the teachers and the principal. At work, you have no issue deferring to your supervisor and the Managing Director. In your family growing up, you deferred to your Dad and your Mom. It should not be difficult that you defer to the one you love, especially if he is a Dark Chocolate Man.

The Dark Chocolate Man will continue to be desiring and fascinating. God made it that way. His intrigue and raw confidence will continue to be at the center of his manly persona. I hope that the perspective from a Dark Chocolate Man will help you better confront and engage with him. I am confident that more deliberate nurturing and care given to the Dark Chocolate Man will help him be a better partner. Remember, there is no perfect person.

I implore all Dark Chocolate Men to be better providers to their families. Remember, you may fall out of love with a woman, but you should always provide endless love and care to your children.

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